The Secret to A Decade of Love

So yesterday I talked a bit about how my love affair with Kate started. Today I’m going to give you all a secret as to why it still works. What is it? We argue well. Sound odd? Maybe but the truth is when the ball is rolling and life is good everything is just a bit sweeter. The true test of any marriage is how you endure those hard times and, trust me, we’ve had our fair share of those. I’ll admit, most of it is me being me. Guys aren’t emotional creatures by default. Yes, some exceptions exist out there but for me I’m less emotional and more spiritual. I don’t dwell too much on my own feelings because, thanks to Kate and the kids, I’m a happy guy pretty much all the time. The downside of being happy-go-lucky is that you tend to forget that not everybody is like you and I’ve learned that a woman needs some emotional stroking from time-to-time. I can boil nearly all our best arguments down to me not acknowledging her emotional needs. That and the fact that one of Kate’s greatest attributes is she don’t take no shit from me. None. Zero. Zilch.So what about this arguing thang? See the good thing is I’m in good company because some of the best guys I know who are happily married make the same mistake of what I’ll call emotional negligence. At least now I’m conscious of it and I try to avoid that pitfall but the truth is you can’t completely prevent it. So then what? Time to raise the voice, slam doors and act a fool, right? Sort of. While arguing can’t be avoided, if you adhere to a few rules you can make them worth the effort:

  1. First rule is don’t say anything you can’t take back. Raise your voice. Cuss if you have to. But don’t you dare say anything that cuts so deep you can’t take it back. If you break this rule, even once, you marriage can slip away. If you get to the point you find yourself wanting to break this rule you need to walk away. While yelling often times helps, sometime just spending some time apart to cool off is even better.
  2. Remember what can happen at the end of a good, knock-down, drag out, argument. That’s right, the make up. Few things can intensify passion more than well placed anger. Sometimes you both end an argument in agreement and it can be followed up with some tender love making. Other times it can be more of a “workout” letting you burn off that excess stream. For me, all good that ends good and you can end anything better than that. If you can just recall this just as you start into another argument it may even serve as sort of the carrot for getting out of the argument as quickly as possible.
  3. Fix the real problem. Arguments are a symptom of larger problems so while you might adhere to the first two rules if you keep getting into the same argument over and over it eventually becomes a detriment. There’s no problem two people truly in love can’t solve.
  4. Never go to be mad. Yes, I said *never*. We’ve made this mistake. Even if you can’t get to that point for the great make up then at least don’t go to bed mad. I didn’t say you both had to agree but you have at least be to a point you can act right.

I’m telling you, if you follow these basic rules the valleys never get that low and the peaks just get higher and higher. It’s been 10 years of arguing with that woman, 10 years learning that no matter how good a husband and father I am now I can always be better. I can’t wait to start arguing the next 10 years.